Wednesday, February 22, 2012

struggling with not knowing

what in the world do i want to do with my life?
that's a question i thought had been answered already, but now i don't know.
so far, nothing has worked out the way i thought it would.

i know God is in control of my life, that He has everything mapped out and knows exactly what i'm going to do. 
i know He has plans for me that i could never imagine.
i know that i'm not in control (gasp!), nor do i need to be.

the thing is, i really wish He would give me a glimpse of the road ahead!

this is a constant struggle for me, and it's getting really hard again right now, this not knowing. 
i've had opportunities come along that i've been certain were God's doing. it isn't that i don't think that now--i still do--it's just that i wish i could see the purpose behind them. obviously, it wasn't what i thought it was at the time.

everything is kind of starting to pile up right now. there are big decisions that have to be made soon, decisions that will impact many people and that will affect my family's life both short term and for years down the road.

the problem is, not all the information is in yet.

i have this crazy trait: i don't like making decisions, especially life-changing decisions, when i don't have all the data available to me. 
i like to be able to pour over all the possibilities, weigh the pros and cons.

i guess it all comes back to that whole "faithful" thing.
if i'm going to step out of the boat, it isn't going to do me any good to analyze all the data anyways. if i did, i would just come to the conclusion that walking on water is so improbable as to be impossible (sorry--the quantum mechanics stuff is coming out...technically it would have to be possible...i know, you don't want physics!).

maybe that's the case with whatever is coming in my future. God knows me, so He knows how i would most likely (<--ha! who am i kidding?) over analyze the data and come to my own conclusion that what He has planned for my future is impossible.

so, i'm going to choose to accept the things i've been through--
the joys
the heartbreaks
the blessings
the disappointments--
and see them as preparation for the things to come.

whatever they may be.

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