life. faithful.

So, I did something hard yesterday--I visited the Pea Ridge Battlefield. from encyclopediaofarkansas.net That may not sound hard to you, but for me it made my heart ache. Not just for the soldiers who fought and died on those grounds, though that in itself was enough to make my heart hurt. No, it was hard for a whole other reason. You see, my brother was a Civil War scholar. He studied the Civil War--reading books, taking part in reenactments, watching movies--basically anything he could get his hands on. I remember going to the Pea Ridge Battlefield when we were little. I remember going to reenactments, where Michael was adamant that his hardtack be authentic, where his haversack was hand-sewn, and where everyone was thrilled when someone mashed a finger in the cannon because that meant they could have real blood on their bandages. Yeah, I know. Craziness. I'm in Bentonville right now, wrapping up the last of my 3 weeks of teacher training. I spent the first 2 weeks ...

Memorial Day #12. It's a day I never could have imagined becoming a reality. And honestly, it's a day I still struggle to come to terms with each year. Sometimes, it feels like there have been 1,000 Memorial Days since my brother was killed. Other times, it feels like each Memorial Day is the first one. And sometimes, my mind and heart go back and forth between the two. So how do you come up with words to explain what this day means? How do you come to terms with a day like Memorial Day when it means something totally different to you than it does to most people? How do you put words to thoughts and feelings you can't even get straight in your head, let alone on paper (or a computer screen, as the case may be)? How do you tell other people something that you can't even really explain to yoursel f? Ho w do you exp lain what it means to have a specific day set aside to remember your brother-- as if you're being told that you shouldn't be remembering him ...

Happy Birthday, Sarah! According to my mom, she walked in one night as I was saying my prayers just in time to hear me asking God to send me a baby sister... The result of that prayer was a baby born October 17, 1989. I can remember Pop bringing her out, all wrapped up in a receiving blanket and asking Michael and me if we thought it was a boy or a girl. My prayers were answered with a brand new sister... Through the years, she drove me crazy. We shared a room for my elementary school years, sponge painted pink... She wrinkled her nose when she smiled, a dimple showing in her cheek... That little girl who annoyed me beyond belief when we were little has grown into one of my best friends... A beautiful, strong, amazing wife and mother to the little girl who is quite possibly the best niece on the planet... I love you, kiddo :) Happy 26th!

10 years. Somehow it seems like it just happened yesterday , yet a lifetime ago at the same time. 10 years where life has gone on all around me while a part of me has been forever frozen in time. A decade in which I have slowly learned to grieve and live at the same time. My hometown will be dedicating a street to Michael at 10 tomorrow morning on the 10th anniversary of his death. The rest of my family will be there, hearts heavy with the pain of both the day's memories and the death of my grandpa in the quiet hours between last night and this morning. This will be one of many memorials I've missed. You see, for years I couldn't --and wouldn't-- deal with my brother's death, so I didn't go to all the services to honor his sacrifice. My logic was simple: if I didn't have to face it, I didn't have to hurt. The thing is, a heart doesn't work that way. Oh, it can for a while. But by avoiding the pain, never letting it show, all I managed to do...

Memorial Day. I've thought about what to write for today for quite a while now. I wanted to come up with the perfect words--something profound, something I haven't said before. I wanted to explain just what today means to me as a "Gold Star sister" on a weekend full of barbeques, parties, and swimming. The things is, I don't have any words. This is the 10th Memorial Day since my brother was killed while fighting in Najaf, Iraq, and it seems like the words should come easily. But they don't. Instead, I have an unintelligible mix of thoughts and emotions floating around in my head and forming an occasional lump in my throat. It's a strange thing for me, the girl who has always been able to use words just how I wanted.   Sometimes, though, words just don't seem like enough. If you want to read my thoughts put into words, you can read them here: when my world started flipping remembering 9 years... and still messy This year, though, I w...

I have big news--I'm an aunt! I am beyond excited to introduce you to Avery, my baby sister's new precious little girl. Today's post is for her... ***** My sweet girl, Welcome to the world, little one! You have been prayed for and loved from the moment you were first knit together, and you should know that you have a ton of people who will never stop praying for you! You've been born into two families that will probably drive you crazy at times, but they are two families who will love you unconditionally until the end of time. Sweet Avery, this world you've been born into is a bizarre one. It is full of mysteries and miracles, but it is also full of heartaches and fears. Life has the ability to lift you high above the clouds one minute and then knock you into the dirt the next. I know your momma, though, and I know what sort of stuff you're made of--so I know you'll be able to face whatever is thrown your way. And things will be thrown at you, b...

Home. That word has meant a lot of different places for me through the years, and it's pretty likely that it will mean a few more before we settle down. I'm in a place right now where I'm ready for "Home" to become something permanent; I'll be 30 this summer (I'm not sure when that happened...) and I'm more than anxious to get to a point where Nathan and I can put down roots and stop moving our kids around all over the place. So to get my mind off of the future, I thought I might take a trip down memory lane...would you like to join me? Home was first a little house in Bentonville before Bentonville became what it is today. Just to show how small this word really is, my first home was 2 houses down from where my sister-in-law lives right now. That first home was a place with next door neighbors who became my third set of grandparents. It was the place where Ralph would take me to get candycorn at the grocery store less than half a mile from the ...

September is blog month for Compassion, and in "true Mandy fashion" I've procrastinated. Despite me putting it off, though, I hope you can still see the importance of hopping over to the Compassion website . Their goal this month is to see 3,160 kids sponsored, but that's not all they do. I hope you'll take a minute to check out what they do and see how you can be involved in changing someone's life. Who knows--you might even change yours in the process! That said, the first assignment for blog month was to write a letter to my childhood self. I was challenged to do something similar to this a while back, except it was to the teenaged me. If you want to check that one out you can read it over here . Okay, so I've stalled long enough... *** To the little girl who has so much going for her, yet is still terribly unsure of herself-- First of all, I'm not going to tell you who this is from because you would never believe me. You're way too grou...

  This has been an eventful week for us... Tuesday, 4 September, was the first day of Kindergarten for Raiden. She was super excited Tuesday morning--she sat straight up in bed and asked me, "Is this the day we get to go to school?" They wear uniforms, which was a bit of an adjustment for me but doesn't seem to phase her... It was also the first official day of preschool for Conan, even though he's been at daycare for a couple of weeks. You can see by his face that he wasn't quite as excited as big sister! When I picked them up after school, I was all ready to hear what Raiden had to say. I expected something...I don't know, I guess just something. Raiden's answer? "It was great!" No other explanation needed, apparently, because she had nothing else to say. Guess I'll just be happy with the fact that she liked it, huh?   We also got new beds for the kids this week. They got lofts, which is working out pretty well so f...

i've come to a conclusion over the past few days:      moving sucks. not the moving part, actually. though i would in no way say i enjoy packing, it really isn't all that bad. we've accumulated a lot of stuff in 8 1/2 years of marriage (especially since the kids entered the picture) and packing gives us the chance to get rid of a bunch of stuff we don't need. even the 800 mile drive with me most likely alone in the car with both kids for most of the trip isn't stressing me out that much. i don't mind long drives--and while it stinks that nathan will be in the moving truck instead of with me, it does mean that i get to control the music! i don't even mind the unpacking once we get up there. i like rearranging furniture, and it will be fun figuring out just where to put everything in our new home (one i haven't even set foot in, by the way. that seems to be a bit of a trend for my family...but i digress). so i guess it isn't the moving i don...

*this is a continuation of series of posts to share my life story and testimony, to give you a little bit of an idea about who's writing. feel free to read the beginning of my story here and then here ... ***** i don't really remember when i first noticed that pop had changed. despite all he was going through, he kept it from us kids pretty well. what i do remember, though, is when my parents told me they were considering moving back to arkansas and pop going back to his roots--farming. they were planning on waiting, though, because i was in my junior year of high school. i remember sitting up on the counter in the kitchen talking to them, telling them it was okay to leave. i could graduate in my hometown just as happily. of course i would miss all my bonner friends, but it would be okay. i moved right after christmas, traveling back south with my grandparents. the rest of the family stayed in kansas for a little longer, but they wanted to make sure i was there to start ...