Wednesday, September 19, 2012

dividing myself...

So many times, I get the feeling that I'm trying to split myself into too many pieces. I'm trying to divide myself into different parts:

The Mom--this side of me is supposed to be entirely focused on my kids. This is the part that is supposed to kiss hurts and listen to fears and correct wrong behaviors and ensure order at home. This is the part that is responsible for making sure my kids are bathed and fed and rested and growing and happy.

The Wife--this part is supposed to be supporting and encouraging my husband. This side is supposed to make sure he gets what he needs to be the leader, father, and man God wants him to be. This is the part that is supposed to make sure the house he comes home to at the end of the day is truly a home--safe, comfortable, loving, and a place of refuge.

The Student--this is the side that is supposed to be studying in every spare minute, the part that is expected to hold intelligent conversations with PhDs. This side is supposed to understand and be able to unconsciously spit out the "basics" of physics, like Ohm's Law and Maxwell's Equations and Planck's Constant... and all those others that have some guy's name attached. This part is supposed to be entirely dedicated to learning, questioning, and understanding.

The Writer--this part of me is supposed to be dreaming. It is the side of me that is supposed to see the limits of this world--and overcome them. It is expected to spend every free minute either writing or thinking about writing. It is the part that is supposed to withdraw from the real world in order to create, wonder, and imagine.

When I try to split my day up into sections for each of these parts, it never works out. 

The Mom gets impatient with her kids...

The Student gets frustrated ans slams the book closed because the equations don't make sense...

The Wife goes to bed before her husband even gets off work...

The Writer is allowed only the amount of time between when she closes her eyes and when she falls asleep (usually less than a minute)...

In short, every part of me loses out when all the parts are competing for time.

God has way more roles to fill than I do. 
He is the Father, 
Judge, 
Forgiver, 
Creator, 
Protector, 
Disciplinarian, 
Peacemaker, 
General...
I could go on, but you get the point.

Does God split Himself into separate parts, trying to give each part a little time each day to be in control? I guess it's possible, but I really don't think that's the case. Instead, He is all God all the time, fully present in each form but always filling each role (lucky for us, or else we might be asking for forgiveness from the General, and then where would we be?).

What if, instead of trying to be each of those parts I need to fill, I learn to give myself over fully to one role--His follower? What might happen then if it is not me trying to do all those things, fill all those roles?
Not me, but God?

Hmm... 

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Thoughts? I would love to hear them!
~Mandy