Thursday, January 15, 2015

2015...a year of trust

Welcome to 2015!

I know I'm a little bit late...sorry about that. In fact, I haven't posted anything since the middle of November--so I guess I'll say sorry for that, too, because two months is a long time to go without writing anything on here.

There's a good reason for about a month of my silence, because my parents brought us home for Christmas so I was away from the computer. Here's a glimpse of what my time there was like:

I would like to say that that's my only reason for not writing lately. The thing is, there's this little matter of promising to be honest, faithful, and transparent when I write here.

So I have to admit--I haven't written because I feel like I've lost my voice. For so long, writing has been the one thing I've been able to do without fail. No matter what chaos or confusion was swimming around in my mind, I could pick up a pen and get everything out. Even though it didn't change anything, just being able to put my thoughts into words somehow made things better. No matter what I was facing (and there's been quite a mess of stuff), I could write about it and make some sense of things. Lately, though, that hasn't been the case.

Am I alone in this? Do you ever feel disconnected from the things that have always made you who you are? No matter what else I have ever faced--teaching, physics, teenage angst, moves, grad school, being a wife and mom--writing has always been part of the very fabric of who I am. In fact, it has often been what held everything else together. It's hard when you feel like you're coming apart at the seams and have lost your needle and thread.

I'm reminded of Proverbs 3:5&6, verses that are probably familiar:
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge Him,
and He will direct your paths."

Maybe I'm looking for the wrong needle and thread. Instead of looking to something to do on my own to try to pull myself back together, I need to trust.

Trust the One who holds me together, who doesn't need needle and thread to fix the seams because He's the One who knit me together in the first place.

Huh. Funny how that works--I didn't plan on taking part in the whole One Word thing this year, because I was at a loss for what word to choose. As I've found so many times, though, when I get out of the way God has a way of speaking to me, of letting me know what it is He's trying to get across to me. Apparently this year, He snuck a word in:
Trust.
What a perfect word for a year that promises to be full of changes and unknowns, a year of new beginnings and a move, the end of a chapter (grad school) and the start of a new one, and the next 6 months where so much has to happen in what is truthfully such a short time. It's not an easy word for me. I'm probably starting to sound like a broken record, but I don't like to rely on other people. I have a hard time with it, to be honest, because it means having to admit that I'm not in control. This year may prove difficult for that very reason.

You would think that I would be used to that by now. After all, there's been very little I've actually been in control of for the past decade. Sometimes I'm a bit slow on the uptake, I guess. At times, it takes a 2x4 for lessons to sink in. 

So this year, I'm going to try to trust.
Just now, when that word came into my head, I looked up "trust" in the back of my Bible and here's what I found:
"The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed,
a stronghold in times of trouble.
Those who know Your name will trust in You,
for You, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek You."
Psalm 9:9-10

So, here's to 2015...a year of trust. 

6 comments:

  1. Poignant thoughts Mandy, giving up control is really hard for some of us. But you don't have to trust for the whole year, fortunately, you can trust for today, or the next hour, or just this minute! Sometimes, that's all we have in us... so go girl!

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    1. I like that thought, Kelly--just trust in each moment.

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  2. Mandy,
    Visiting today from Bonnie's link-up. Your words are resonating with me because I too, often write to make sense of what's going on in my life and for a period of several years, I stopped. When I again picked up my pen to journal, I found a deeper way to know God and started exploring him anew. I pray this year unfolds for you with new ways to know God as you trust him with all the aspects of your life! So glad to meet you! :)

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    1. It's nice to "meet" a kindred spirit of sorts. I'm thankful to Bonnie's community for that!

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  3. wow. this post is AMAZING, Mandy. just whole-hearted writing. this is real. and it is powerful because it is YOU. your voice isn't lost. it's right where you are and i feel so honored you shared you voice with us. #becomethebeloved thnx for linknig up in #belovedbrews

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    1. Thank you, Bonnie. I'm thankful for you being so willing to share your real voice with us and for giving us a place and the encouragement to be real with each other.

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Thoughts? I would love to hear them!
~Mandy