Thursday, February 9, 2012

screaming sirens (or angry women...)

so, it's time to write a post i really didn't want to put out here.

i read this post this morning by Ann Voskamp. i started writing right after i read it, but what i was writing was my prayer. (as an aside, writing my prayers is something i used to do all the time during those crazy teenage years. i've recently come back to it after reading "the help," a great book i got from my sister for Christmas. thanks, sarah beth!)

since it was my prayer, i had no intention of anybody else reading it. it was to be safely tucked away in my 3-ring binder, there for only me and God to read.

the problem is, that wasn't His idea.
that's actually how my first post started out, too. well, it was written in an online journal called penzu instead of on paper, but it was still the same idea--nobody but me and God would ever know it existed.

ha!
funny how my plans so seldom seem to mesh with His...

so, all the delays put aside now, Ann wrote a post about anger and fighting in marriage. she opened her heart and told of a fight when she raged and her husband turned away, quiet. she talked about the angry words she kept spewing out, words about how she hated it when he did certain things, reacted certain ways. the final straw was telling him she hated him.

ouch.

how many times have i done that? how many times have i raged, my words flying and my temper escalating, while my groom stood by, silent? i can't remember every saying "i hate you," but may of my words were just as ugly and hurtful.

her next words, though, are what made me think. there she was, yelling, but what she wanted was for him to put his arms around her, to show that he cared and wasn't going to leave. what he did, though, was turn away.

she pointed out that what stayed unspoken between them, on her side, were the fears: do you really care about me? do you love me enough to stick it out through all this craziness? are you going to stay with me?

those fears are the fuel for the fire that is my anger. they are always simmering right below the surface, but instead of telling my husband what i'm really worried about i yell. i attack. i scream.

what Ann told her husband (or asked him, really) is what hit me:
"Are women really like ambulances? When we are most in need of tender care, we’re these screaming sirens? And that’s why men pull far away — getting out of the way and off the road?"

that is definitely the case with my hubby. he tries to get out of the way and let my anger blow over, let the ambulance zoom by. the problem is, i have this tendency to veer off the road to come after him, running him over anyways.

as valentine's day approaches, i'm thinking more and more about love and God's definition of it (more on that later...). that has me, of course, thinking more and more about the man i'm spending my life with.
(wow--we were so little!)

what's wonderful is knowing that God gave me a guy who is willing to put up with all my crazy :0)
 he pushes me to do things i would never have imagined doing otherwise, things i wouldn't have had the nerve to do without him (like physics...and writing...).

the least i can do is stop running over him when he moves aside to let the screaming ambulance pass. maybe even put on the brakes, turn off the siren, and realize that he's not going anywhere.

he loves me, in spite of my faults. because of them, in some cases, which is a pretty incredible thing. 

 my prayer after reading Ann's post is this: the next time i catch myself starting to rage over something, i pray God will help me to recognize the fears behind the anger, to realize that it isn't caused by my groom's faults but by my own insecurities.

3 comments:

  1. I admire your courage to put yourself "out there". Sometimes it's in the sharing that God uses our weaknesses and turns them into something he can use! I love to read your writing!!!

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    1. Thanks, Erica--that means a lot to me :)

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  2. Here from Better Writer... love this post! Thanks for the reminder to have open dialogue about what we are really feeling inside instead of letting our fears take over.

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Thoughts? I would love to hear them!
~Mandy