Monday, February 11, 2013

in the silent times

So, apparently it's been quite a while since I wrote here. I would love to be able to say that was because I've just been so incredibly busy
with school
family
laundry
stories
facebook... oops! How did that one slip in there?

The truth is, though, I've been silent because that's where I've found myself lately--living in the silence.

Though that's hard for me to admit, I'm plastering it our there in cyberspace for one simple reason:
I know I can't be the only one.

Your silence may be different from mine, but maybe there's still something in my story that can
speak to where you are...
or remind you of where you've been...
or help you with somewhere you're going to find yourself.

So, here goes...
Lately, I've felt lost. My one word for 2013 is "follow," but I've come to a bit of a hard spot:
How do you follow when you've lost sight of the One leading you?
See, I'm in one of those silent spots right now. I feel like I'm sitting in the dark, straining to see some sign of the path in front of me, to hear some tiny word or reassurance (or even correction!). 

The thing is, I can't see or hear anything.
It's left me with feelings that are hard for me to admit even to myself, let alone that I've wanted to put out there for everybody else to see:
alone
forgotten
abandoned.

It makes me cry out with David:
"Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears." (Psalm 6:2-3, 6)

My heart knows the truth, that I'll be able to also join David in saying,
"The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer." (Psalm 6:9) And "But I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for He has been good to me." (Psalm 13:5&6)

The thing is, right now my head is drowning out my heart.

I've found one thing to be true more often than not in my life:
when I have a hard time hearing God, it's not because He's stopped talking. Most of the time it's because I've stopped listening.

It makes me wonder...
When I feel like I'm sitting in the dark, silent parts of life,
does God see me plopped down in the middle of His light, my eyes shut and my hands covering my ears?

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Thoughts? I would love to hear them!
~Mandy