Tuesday, November 12, 2013

ever lost yourself?

There's a Faith Hill song called, "Someone Else's Dream."

The chorus says this:
She was daddy's little girl
Momma's little angel
Teacher's pet, pageant queen
She said "All my life I've been pleasin' everyone but me,
Waking up in someone else's dream"


Have you ever felt that way?
Have you ever looked around and realized that you were living the life other people expected you to live, but you really don't know how it happened?

Or am I the only one who has ever felt that way?

On the off chance that I'm not alone, I'm going to keep writing.

Gulp.

Believe me, I would rather just let this particular subject slip quietly away. It hits a bit close to home and reveals a bit more than I would willingly show people. However, way back in January I chose the word "follow" for 2013, and right now that's what I'm doing.

Following. Dragging my feet a bit to be honest, but still following.

So, in the spirit of following where I think God is leading and being transparent and truthful here with all of you...here goes nothing!

All my life, I've been concerned with making sure I live up to other people's expectations. I've always been a bit of a perfectionist and a people pleaser, and I've never really been one to rock the boat.

I worked hard to be the best I could be at just about everything I did (cleaning isn't one of the things on that list, just in case you were wondering!). 
I worked hard in school K through 12 and was always at the top of my class. 
I strove to be the best cheerleader I could be and ended up with a state championship ring and my name on a banner in the gym. 
I held it all together when my brother died because that was what was expected of me. 
I try my best to make sure my kids grow up right, that they're respectful and honest and trustworthy. 
I went into physics in college mostly because other people told me I could do it, and ended up a senior fellow in the department before I graduated. 
I went off to grad school with a plan all laid out.

I am a
daughter
sister
wife
mother
friend
student.

I answer to titles and fill roles
...but somewhere along the way, I lost who I am.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change the titles (except maybe student. I've had that one just about long enough and am more than ready to get rid of it). They are all very much a part of who I am.

The thing is, there's also a dreamer and a world-changer who have faded into the background. There's a writer who has slowly struggled and fought to reach the surface and gets to step out every once in a while, but not often enough.

More importantly than all of those, though, is the daughter of the King who has somehow forgotten she holds that title.

She used to carry herself with grace and poise because she knew who her Father was and she had daily conversations with Him. She would sit at His feet and revel in hearing His words, in getting to know more about Him--in just being with Him.

She could shrug off hurts and fears because she knew they didn't matter in the view of eternity. Like the Proverbs 31 woman, she could laugh at the days to come.

She was joyful and bright and giving and optimistic--maybe a bit of a Pollyanna.

Somewhere, she got a bit lost. She became a bit of a pessimist and lost some of her shine. Her grace and poise became unsure timidity. She started counting up all the ways things could possibly go wrong in the future, to say nothing of the present. She started questioning herself, making decisions based on what other people would think.

And it all started because she stopped spending time at her Father's feet.

She got busy filling all the other roles in her life, so her times with Him got shorter.

At first she would stop by for a quick chat each day...
then most days...
then she would pop her head in every once in a while to say, "I'm sorry I don't have time to talk today. I'll come see You when I have the time"...
then, eventually, even those stolen seconds disappeared.

And in the chaos that was life, she didn't even notice.
I didn't even notice.

Not until I was suddenly overwhelmed by the realization that I didn't--don't--have any idea who I am anymore. That I've spent so much time worrying and fussing and trying to fit that I've lost what's really important.

So now I find myself falling humbly before my Father, asking Him why in the world He stuck around so patiently, why He waited for His wayward daughter to finally realize that she had lost herself.

I beg His forgiveness for ignoring Him, tears streaming down my face. I admit that I have fallen apart, that I've spent too much time trying to be who I'm expected to be to know who I'm supposed to be.

And my Father, my King, lifts my face and wipes my tears. He tells me that He knows, that He's been waiting patiently for me to come to my senses and come back to Him. He whispers that He has plans for me, that He knows just who I am supposed to be--even though I don't have a clue. He tells me to stay close to Him, to sit once again at His feet, to listen so He can tell me who I am--
               by revealing who He is in me.

Maybe you're like me. Maybe you've gotten so caught up in the busy-ness of life that you've stopped spending time at your Father's feet and as a result have forgotten who you are--a child of the King, one chosen for a purpose. 

And He has a dream for you.

3 comments:

  1. Wow! I linked a blog post right after you at Faith Barista about sitting at the Father's feet. Sounds like you need to rest awhile there. Take in His presence and His healing and His love for you. Listen close and He will remind you who you are just by being who He is. God bless you for your courage to return home. May the streams of living water flow and fill you anew! Love, Rachael @ Inking the Heart

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  2. Dear Mandy, Oh my heart -- this post of yours is pure gold. Refined gold. I'm getting chills reading your heart - pouring out on the page here on the screen. "I answer to titles and fill roles ...but somewhere along the way, I lost who I am." No wonder you and I crossed paths --- we are on the same journey. You could lift these same words from my journal -- except you expressed them in a way that helped me to see myself in a new way. I am starting from SCRATCH -- I don't know who I am, but you now what's really weird. I find more of her -- of the little girl in me -- when I journey into the places I didn't think anybody wanted. When I try to speak/write out of the me who has never found a place -- a role -- for her. I know you hear that voice in you too -- because you've given her a place in this post. And it is absolutely true. Beautiful. And real. Keep following the path you're taking in writing this post. Keep writing and keep sharing with us. Thank you for opening your heart and writing form your soul in the Faith Jam. So grateful for you, friend.

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Thoughts? I would love to hear them!
~Mandy