Monday, September 29, 2014

I've been quiet lately...

It's been a while since I wrote here. To be honest, it's been a while since I did any kind of writing. I would like to say that's just because I've been so busy with school, with all the articles I'm reading and everything I'm writing for my education classes. I would like to say that, but it wouldn't be the truth.

I haven't written because I don't want to write what I feel like I should write.

I've been feeling lost lately, in so many different ways. I've started a different career path again with the change over to education and physics. I've ripped out page ofter page in multiple notebooks, with nothing I write coming out the way I want it to. I've started over on at least 3 different stories, but none of them have worked. I've cried out in my prayers, begging to hear from God, but He's seemed silent. My heart and soul feel like they're tied up in knots, and no matter what I try to do I can't seem to undo the knots.

The thing is, I'm pretty sure it's because I'm not doing the one thing I'm supposed to be doing right now.

There has been a common theme to just about every blog or book or article I've read this year (or at least to all of the ones that have prodded at me): Tell your story. It was even the theme of one of my own posts early in the year, one in which I said I had started working on my story.

Over and over again, the words jump out at me. Tell your story. The world needs your story, even the messy parts.

I've done my best to ignore them. The problem is, I'm pretty sure that it's been God's message to me that I've been ignoring. So every time I've called out to Him and begged for Him to speak, to let me feel Him, I've gotten the same response. Silence.

Silence, because He's already told me what to do. He's already made His point, and He's made it abundantly clear. Tell your story. Over and over again, He's used the 2x4 to make it sink in.

But I don't want to.
There--I said it, plain and simple.

I don't want to tell my story, because it hurts. It's messy and uncomfortable and private, and I. just. don't. want. to.

That came out for the first time the other day when I was on the phone with my mom. I blurted out that I knew I was supposed to tell my story, but I didn't want to. Honestly, speaking the words out loud was the first time I even let the idea get fully formed in my mind. I didn't want to admit it, not even to myself.

I've begged and prayed for God to tell me what He wants from me. I've spent years searching for direction, for the next step. For a long time, I had no idea what was next. In many regards, I still don't know what's next. I don't know what will happen once I finish my degree. I don't know where our family will move to next, or where Nathan and I will work. I honestly know very little about God's plan for my life.

But here I am, fighting against the one thing I know I've been told to do next. I'm scared--terrified, truthfully. I don't want to start down this path. I don't want to pull out old memories and uncover old wounds. It feels like I'm being asked to cut open old scars, ones that haven't ever really even healed properly. It hurts my heart to even think about it.

So, I'm asking for prayers. Begging for them, really.

I can't do this.
I can't.
I'm too weak, too fragile, too broken.
Too determined to be strong on my own.

But this whole blog got started because I felt God calling me to be faithful, to step out of the boat despite the storms, to trust Him to guide each step. I want to be faithful. I want to be obedient.

I don't want to write my story, but I'm more afraid of staying in the silence than I am of finding out what other people have to say when they see my mess.

Please, pray.
I need it.

4 comments:

  1. We are all weak and unable to do that which He calls is to do…that's the beauty of it all. He enables us, with His power, His inspiration, His strength to step up and begin to do that which He has called us to do. Then He gets the glory! He doesn't always call us to tell every sordid detail of our story, just the parts that shine the light on His story…how He carried us through the trials or redeemed an utterly broken past. I always think of Beth Moore…she share her story but not all the details of her past…just enough to encourage other women that God is in the business of redeeming broken lives with His grace and great love!
    Praying for you today dear friend. God will carry you through to the day of completion!

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  2. Proverbs 3 says we are to Trust in the Lord will all our heart and not to depend on just our own understanding. God will not fail you...He will defend you and keep you close to Himself!!! I will be praying for you!!!

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  3. maybe in your silence, you are actually cutting yourself off from the encouragement of people who have walked similar paths and could say, "we have been there...or to a similar place. and the grace of GOD and the encouragement of others helped us as we walked an uncertain path...in our mess."

    as you read most of the characters in the old testament, you will read of their love for GOD, but also of immense failure too...and messy lives. we like to remember the good parts and forget the messes, but if not for the messes, many would never have learned to love GOD in the ways they did!

    think of Abraham, Jacob, Joseph, Moses, Samson, David, and the many, many others throughout Scripture.

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  4. Mandy, you know that I was in this same place you were in two years ago... and I didn't have a choice because it was time for me to be free .. To be loved... and that is really what is happening. for you to speak... I had to find a EMDR Therapist to help me uncover my stories with a guide to walk me through this journey... It was best thing I ever did and in changed from the inside out.

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Thoughts? I would love to hear them!
~Mandy