messy me

when my family milked, we had one cow that my parents named after me. while that in itself may seem crazy enough, the reason they named her after me was that she was a messy eater, always throwing the grain out of her feeder. quite the compliment, huh? though they were only referring to my habit of ending up with part of anything i eat left behind on some part of what i'm wearing, messy also pertains to me in other ways, ways i usually keep to myself.

in this blog, though, i think i'm being called to show some of that messy side. what follows here is a journal entry i wrote, something i definitely meant to keep to myself. however, my word for this year is faithful, and i feel like this is something i'm supposed to share. so, here goes...

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what in the world am i starting a new blog for? this is craziness--i don't hardly keep up with the one i already have. why would i start another one?

i guess it is me taking a step out in faith, trying to use my passion for writing in a way that will be pleasing to God. it isn't that i think my fantasy writing displeases Him, it's just that i think He is calling me to be faithful in a new way.

i am scared to death.

it has been one thing to put my story out there because i've felt like i'm putting part of myself out there for people to see, to judge. the thing is, that was still safe. people may have been judging my writing, but to them that was still separate from me.

this blog, though, is truly me, my soul poured out. when people read it, they will be seeing me as i truly am--or at least, that's what they should be getting as long as i am faithful and true to what i feel God is calling me to do in this blog.

it terrifies me
to put my real self out there because that is something i've always protected. it would be one thing if it was just out there in cyberspace where strangers might see. it is totally different to think about my friends, family, and even just acquaintances reading my words.

that means they will see my struggles, and that is scary.
struggles tend to be dirty and ugly, not things i like to put out there for people to see.

i really don't know where this is going to go. for the first time in a long time, though, i really feel like this is something God is telling me to do, a path He is leading me down. i have no idea how it fits into the rest of my life, but for once i think that's okay--
i don't have to know.

all i have to do is write, something that makes my heart happy.
i don't know what i'll talk about, but that's okay, too. real life, especially mine, doesn't follow an outline. it is often a crazy, messy thing. i think me writing about all the craziness is how i am called to be faithful--
showing others my weaknesses, letting God work through my imperfections to show His perfection.

this is my chance to throw off the masks i tend to hide behind, to show people the real me, the girl who is
scared
and disorganized
and driven and crazy
and creative and insecure and brave
and vulnerable and intelligent and a mess--
and loved deeply by the God who created her, the God who has called me to be faithful.

this is my chance to step out of the boat onto the crashing waves that are tossing my boat, to walk clinging to my Savior
who can calm the wind and the waves
but sometimes chooses instead to have me walk on the water,
in the midst of the storm,
with Him.
faithful.