life. faithful.

Growing up, I took French all the way through school and on into college. In elementary school it was because it was available--the high school French teacher would visit the elementary classes once a week and do mini lessons, mostly greetings and counting. In high school and college, though, I continued taking French for one very specific reason: it was a language spoken across Africa in many different countries, and I thought one day I would find myself in that mission field, living in a village way off the map, teaching about Jesus. I loved missions. I drank up any story I could find about people who had spent time in missions. I loved when missionaries would visit our church. I loved hearing their stories about when they first realized God was calling them to the mission field, to a life following Him across the world. I just knew that one day I would stand before a church and share the story of how I was called and how I followed God on an amazing adventure to the middle of nowher...

 My oldest daughter is an artist. She has a sketchbook with her at pretty much all times, and she has the kind of skill that is unimaginable to me. She studies the techniques of others all the time, and right now she's teaching herself animation. Her goal is to one day make children's television programs, shows that parents will know are safe for their kids and teach traditional values. She's graduating next month, so she's being asked all the time what her plans are for college. I've listened to her tell people many times, and it makes me sad. I finally asked her to do me a favor the other day: "Please stop apologizing when you tell people what you're going to study." I think it caught her a little off guard, but her response? It was something along the lines of, "But Mom, I'm going to be an art major . That's who all the jokes are about." I asked her what I thought of at the time: "Are you making the decision that you think God...

 I just listened to a video posted by a young woman. She posted it as an explanation of why she chose to walk away from her faith, saying she wanted people still in the church to be able to understand her choices and what led her to where she is now. It broke my heart. She prefaced her video by saying she's a very analytical person, so I guess I'll preface this post with that same caveat (for what it's worth). First, a summary of what she said: This young woman talked about being a heartfelt follower of Christ, then going to a Christian college where she majored in psychology and, in her words, was taught to think critically for the first time. She said it was the first time she was told to examine her beliefs in light of what others believe, and it left her questioning. She then went on a study abroad trip to Cambodia, where she was faced with the atrocities of genocide and found herself wondering where God was in all of that. She said that it made her question her belief ...

 More--do more, be more, have more. It's all around us all the time, pushing us to push harder, that constant feeling that it's simply not enough . Do you hear that voice in the back of your head like I do? Call it perfectionism, imposter syndrome... or just be honest and call it insecurity. The feeling that I'm just not enough is something I've dealt with my whole life. Every grade, every project, should have been better. Every meal cooked or room cleaned. Every important conversation with one of my kids. Every gift given. Every accolade won. Every promise made. All of it should have somehow been more... I should somehow be more, fit more into every day, figure out how to give my kids more. I should be able to be the best at work and give more, then turn around and be the best at home and make sure my house looks like the magazines (or at least like a tornado hasn't just come through the living room), then keep the farm running. I should be able to find a way to h...

 I know I should trust You. I know Your promises are true. I know You are ultimately in control of everything happening in this world. Sometimes, though, it's just so hard. Even though I know it never works out when I do, there's still a part of me that wants to try to control all the things. I look at the world around me and see it spinning out of control in a way I never would have imagined seeing just a few years ago. My nature is to try to reach out and stabilize everything I can, to attempt to keep "me and mine" from being thrown off-kilter. I start thinking that if I can just do enough, plan enough, and prepare enough, I'll be able to hold things in place for the people I love. It's not like I don't know better. I've watched some of my best laid plans go up in smoke. I've tried desperately to cling to things and had them slip through my fingers. I've begged and pleaded for You to just do things the way I expect only to sit back in disbel...

Throwing pottery is something I thought I wanted to try once. Once is the key word there--Raiden got a kid's pottery wheel, and I tried to use it. I can't even begin to tell you the mess I made. Wet clay spinning around in a circle seems to have a mind of its own. I tried to make a simple pot; nothing fancy, just something small that actually looked like a bowl or something recognizable. What I ended up with was nothing more than a mess, and I'm pretty sure I had more clay on myself than actually stayed on the wheel. Left to me, the clay was less useful than it would have been if I had left if as a lump. At least then it could have been a paperweight or something. In the hands of a Master Potter, though, clay can become some pretty magnificent things. "The Lord gave another message to Jeremiah.   He said, 'Go down to the potter’s shop, and I will speak to you there.'   So I did as he told me and found the potter working at his wheel.   But th...

The first time I ever remember Pop getting mad at me, I was sitting in a tree. I can't tell you exactly how old I was, but it was early elementary school some time. I was on a limb, wanting to get down, so Pop reached up for me and told me to jump. I wouldn't. He kept telling me to jump, assuring me that he would catch me--I had nothing to worry about. All I needed to do was let go of the limb and push myself forward. Instead, I was in tears, sitting in a tree. No matter how many times Pop assured me that he would catch me, I couldn't do it. He had never let me down, never given me a reason to think he would let me fall. I couldn't just trust him. Trust. That's something I still struggle with, despite all my efforts. I know that God is worthy of my trust. I know His promises are true, and that when His word says that He guides my steps--well, that's true, too. The problem is, I just can't get my feelings to line up with my knowledge. We just fin...

So, I just realized that it has almost been an entire month since I last wrote...ouch. I have to tell you, I can feel that it's been that long because I can feel a little bit of my sanity melting away. My husband will tell you--I'm a much better person to be around when I write. In the past he's called writing my therapy, and I guess there are a lot worse things I could do to decompress. I have to admit, though, lately words just haven't come easily to me. For a long time now I've been struggling with the thought that I'm a bit lost in the grand scheme of things. I've been begging for God to show me where I fit in His plan, but for some reason He seems to be silent on the matter. Have you ever felt that way? So often, I hear people talk about finding God's will as if it is a simple thing: just say a prayer, and God will tell you exactly where He wants you. Can I be totally honest? Sometimes, those people make me want to pull my hair out. Because...

I'm praying one of the hardest prayers for a control freak like me to pray. I say praying, because it's not a “one and done” kind of prayer. It's one of those prayers that I'll have to repeat time and time again—not because I think I need to repeat it for God's sake, but because it will take repetition to get it through my own thick skull and heavily guarded heart. God, let my pride take a backseat to Your purpose. Since I was little, I've wanted God to use me. I listened to missionaries talk about their time in exotic countries; I worked VBS on a regular basis; I went on mission trips with the KS-NE Acteens to Wyoming and Tennessee. I dreamed of being the one in the field, of living in a grass hut somewhere far away, of having a Story (with a capital S) and doing the Hard Things. I wanted--still want--the adventures. The thing is, not everyone does the big things. Sometimes, the hard thing is to be right here in the middle of your own story (l...

People may be right in their own eyes, but the LORD examines their heart. ~Proverbs 21:2 Sometimes, that verse isn't a comfort. Sometimes, it's a reminder that we can't be fake because God knows when we're just going through the motions instead of giving our whole heart. Sometimes, knowing that God is seeing your heart is an uncomfortable feeling. At first glance, that's all this verse is saying--that God knows our intentions. Like so many verses, though, if you read it again you might get a different meaning. Let's pull another verse into the mix: Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart. ~Psalm 37:4 Maybe there's more to that verse from Proverbs than meets the eye. Maybe, when you link it with the verse from Psalm, it takes on a more comforting meaning. God knows your heart, which means that He knows you better than anyone else in all of creation--even including yourself. If He examines your heart, ...

Today is always such a strange day for me. Today marks 11 years since my brother was killed in Iraq. 11 years--more than a decade without being picked on by the guy who always told me it was his job to keep me humble and to teach me how to throw a punch. Life has changed so much; I'm not even the same person I was the last time I saw him in person, 3 January 2004--my wedding day. I can't help but wonder what he would think about the person I am today, and I sure wish I could watch my kids play with their uncle. There are moments in life that change you forever, moments that happen in a heartbeat yet affect your entire outlook. Sometimes those moments are so dramatic that it seems like the rest of the world should be changed, too. I think that's one of the hardest things to deal with--the fact that the rest of the world simply goes on. At times, it seems like it's going on without you. There are lessons in everything in life, even though sometimes it takes years...

I pulled out my quote notebook this morning (yes, I have an entire notebook dedicated to the quotes I find and love and just have to write down somewhere--doesn't everybody do that?). I was looking for a very specific quote, and I had a post planned that would fit nicely with it. The thing is, my quotes aren't organized. Kind of like in my life, physics and writing and Bible verses are all jumbled together with no real rhyme or reason. I can usually remember which side of the page a specific quote is on, but that still means I have to scan through at least half the book before I can find what I'm looking for. This morning, while looking for the Mark Twain quote I was going to write about, I came across this: The LORD will fulfill His purpose for me; Your love, O LORD, endures forever-- do not abandon the works of Your hands. ~Psalm 138:8 I've struggled a lot with not knowing what's in store for me. Here in just over a month, I'll finish my Mas...