Friday, February 24, 2012

not good enough

inadequate. not good enough. doesn't measure up.

i used to compare myself to other people a lot. i would look at other girls and think they were prettier
or smarter
or better at gymnastics
or more organized
or more fashionable
you get the point.

i was an insecure teenage girl (or a typical teenage girl, whichever way you want to look at it).

eventually, i grew up.
i would love to say that i never notice that stuff anymore (well, the gymnastics thing definitely isn't an issue anymore), but i do--sometimes. for the most part, though, those things don't bother me very much.

instead, i've replaced comparing myself to others so much with comparing myself to myself.
or, to be more accurate, an idealized version of me.

i've created this version of myself in my head that is the "perfect" me.

she doesn't loose her temper with her kids
she doesn't nag her husband
she gets through to every student that comes through her classroom
she writes books (that grace the shelves of people worldwide)
she doesn't let the laundry pile up to the ceiling
she exercises and eats right
she remembers her physics and calculus
she is confident

she sounds pretty good, right?
well, she isn't me.

in comparison,
i snapped at my daughter for not getting ready for school this morning
i told my husband, yet again, how he never looks for anything
i have students who look at me like they are lost, no matter what i say
i get cut in the first round of a writing contest
i don't let the laundry pile to the ceiling--its swarming across the floor instead
i sit on the couch and dunk cookies in milk
i would probably stare blankly at even an intro to physics test
i like to blend in to the crowd

despite all of that, even when i don't measure up to my idealized self, God can still use me.

for Him, it's okay that i'm inadequate.
from what i've read, He i would venture to say that He even prefers me that way:
2 corinthians 12:9 (from the message)
"My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness."

God doesn't want me to see myself as enough (i'm not saying here that He wants me always putting myself down for not being perfect, though) because it is when i see that i'm not good enough that i begin to truly see that 
He is enough.  


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