Monday, March 12, 2012

what doesn't kill you...

"what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
that's what they say.

sometimes, i wonder who they are, and what kind of easy life they have.

i don't know about you, but when i'm in the middle of a bad situation--things going on that just don't make sense, that seem to be tearing everything apart--i don't usually stop to remember that i'll be better for it.

when i'm struggling through the crashing waves
fighting to keep my head above water
desperately trying to catch a breath
i don't think, "wow, if i manage to get out of this without drowning, i'm going to be a much better swimmer!"

you wanna know something?

i don't think they think that way, either.

right now, i'm in those waves. my whole family is, to be honest. we're waiting to find out what's going to happen with the rest of our life (well, waiting for news about next fall that will impact the rest of our life). we are recovering from illness (me and both kids. my husband is struggling with pneumonia). we are dealing with the craziness that comes with school and spring. i'm dealing with the fact that i'm letting some dreams fade that shouldn't. there are some other struggles that are a bit too personal to post here for all the world to see.

the sea is definitely crashing around me, and sometimes i just have to gasp for air and then let my self sink below the waves for a while.

there have been a lot of storms in my almost 28 years, most of which have been in the last 8 of those years. yes, when i look back at most of them i can see good things in the changes that have come about as a result of making it through those storms. i've gotten better at treading water because of them. yes, i guess i should say that they are right.

the thing is, when i'm in the middle of the storms i don't really care how much stronger i'm getting because of them.

i just want out of the storm.

right now, i'm peter in that limbo part of his faith story--i've taken that step out of the boat and for a moment i was walking on the water. i've started looking at the waves around me, though, and i'm sinking below them.

i know what i've always called the "Sunday School answer"--i know the Savior is there, waiting on me to just call out for help, waiting for me to reach up and take His hand.

the problem is, i'm desperately treading water with everything i've got. when you're trying not to drown, sometimes the hardest thing to do is reach out for help. after all, that means you have to stop trying to use your arms to swim.

i'm going to take the biggest breath i can gulp
and sink below the waves for a bit
so i can gather my thoughts in the calm that is still there under the waves
and then use my hands for the only thing they can do right now--
reach out to my Savior for a lifeline.


  1. i really appreciate your honesty mandy.
    we had a tree fall on and demolish over half our house this last week and we are as of now homeless.
    b is sick and i'm trying to recover. last week on a way to a gig an suv slammed into me while i was waiting at a stoplight. it just feels like one of those kinds of weeks.

    my prayer for you is that you can just feel Him. know He's there in the room with you. in the car with you. healing your husband and kids.
    taking care of those problems. even while you're at the precipice, He's already jumped.

    i hope you Feel Him today. His Comfort and His Joy.
    God bless you all.

    1. Oh, Robb--I hate to hear that you all are going through all that right now! Thank you for your prayer, and I will definitely be thinking about you guys.

  2. sometimes we just have to float, for the treading of water is too much. God will keep you from going under -- he knows just the right time. But "waiting on the Lord" isn't passive, it's active and even if we've only got the strength to float in and under the water's surface, we actively pray, actively prepare for his appearance and his rescue -- thanks for this honest, vulnerable post.


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