giving myself permission to...

I've stared at that title for a while now, trying to figure out what to write. It's part of a link up with the Faith Barista, so it is actually an assignment of sorts that was "due" Thursday...

For some reason, though, I just don't know what to write.

What do I need to give myself permission to do, or to be? It really doesn't seem like it should be such a hard concept. Maybe the problem, then, comes from the fact that I don't really know what I want to be when I grow up.

"Wait, what?" you may ask. "But you're in grad school and you're writing--not to mention you're almost 30! You're kind of already in that 'grown up' part of life, you know."

I hear you, I promise. But you see, there's still this nagging feeling inside that I really don't know what to do with the rest of my life. I think it's an inheritable trait--I got it from Pop (that's my dad, for those of you who may not know). He was told just a few years ago that he needed to decide what he wanted to be when he grew up and stick with it, and he's got 27 years on me!

That's a strange thing for me, the not knowing. I've always been a planner--I probably had a 5 Year Plan laid out in kindergarten (I'm exaggerating, but not much). Growing up, for the most part things even went according to plan.

And then I got married, and suddenly things changed on me. I'm not going to go into all that right now, but if you're interested you can read that story over here and get all the details. Long story short, suddenly my tendency to have everything planned out just didn't matter anymore.

Life was out of my control.

Of course I know it was never really in my control, but for the first 20 years of my life I guess I was lulled into a false sense of security. There will little things that didn't work out back then, but really all the big stuff seemed to fit into my plans nicely.

Over the past 10 years my view has changed. Now, even the things that most people would count on as absolutes--grad school, for one, and the career that entails--are things I hesitate to make plans around.

So I guess that's what I'm giving myself permission for: permission to not know. Permission to stop planning and instead rely on God's plans.

Permission to "Trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. In all my ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct my paths." Proverbs 3:5&6 (with a slight change in pronouns there).

What are you giving yourself permission for?

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life. faithful.

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