when God doesn't seem faithful

Today is always such a strange day for me. Today marks 11 years since my brother was killed in Iraq.

11 years--more than a decade without being picked on by the guy who always told me it was his job to keep me humble and to teach me how to throw a punch.

Life has changed so much; I'm not even the same person I was the last time I saw him in person, 3 January 2004--my wedding day. I can't help but wonder what he would think about the person I am today, and I sure wish I could watch my kids play with their uncle.

There are moments in life that change you forever, moments that happen in a heartbeat yet affect your entire outlook. Sometimes those moments are so dramatic that it seems like the rest of the world should be changed, too. I think that's one of the hardest things to deal with--the fact that the rest of the world simply goes on. At times, it seems like it's going on without you.

There are lessons in everything in life, even though sometimes it takes years to grasp them. For a long time, I didn't want to even think about what I was learning from Michael's death quite simply because I didn't want to think about the fact that he was gone. My walls have slowly been coming down, though, and as they are chipped away I see glimpses.

The biggest lesson I'm still learning is that God is faithful even when it doesn't seem like it. That one's hard for me. If something appears one way in life, I tend to think that that's how it is. I'm a pretty literal, logical person most of the time, so I struggle with things that aren't that way.

When Michael was killed in that tank in Najaf, Iraq, I have to admit that it sure didn't seem like God was very faithful.

There's one of those acronyms that floated around church camps back in the late 90s: PUSH. Pray Until Something Happens. In a simplistic faith, we pray and keep praying until God does what we want Him to do. We prayed for

Michael's safety over there in Iraq. We're a praying bunch, so there were lots of prayers. Do you know what the  PUSH mindset tells you when your prayers aren't answered the way you want them to be? I must not have been praying hard enough or I must have been using the wrong words somehow or what's probably even more common, I must have done something wrong and God's not listening to my prayers.

I still don't have answers to all my questions. I haven't been given some divine revelation about God's purpose. A lot of the time, I'm still walking through life in the dark. The thing is, through it all God truly is faithful. He's in control even when I can't see it, and He's there even when I can't feel Him.

He is faithful...even when it doesn't seem like it.