Your heart's desires...

What you're about to read wasn't written for this blog. It is a prayer, my private attempt to work through my confusion and fears and questions. In the interest of being transparent on this blog, it's presented here just the same way that it's written in my notebook.

I'm putting this here because--just maybe--somebody out there is struggling with the same things. And maybe, when you see my struggles laid out--my heart laid bare before God and now you--you'll at least see that you're not alone.

"When Christ calls a man,

He bids him come and die."

~Dietrich Bonhoeffer

God, You know my heart. You know my longings and desires better than I do, because You're the One who made me. I dream of doing what I consider "big things" for You, things that I think will matter. I think it's my pride, this crazy thought that somehow I'm supposed to do more, that You've made me to do something more than just exist in this life.

So where is the line between ambition and pride? When do my thoughts about the future cross that line? Is it possible for me to chase my dreams and still be chasing after You? Or in chasing my dreams, am I running the other way? Because the thing is, I'm afraid that chasing my own dreams is putting myself ahead of Your plans for my life.

Or maybe, if I'm honest, it's just that I'm afraid. I'm afraid of failing, because I'm pretty sure it would break my heart. Because I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm afraid of trying something--again--and it not working--of me, failing again.

You said in II Timothy that the spirit of fear doesn't come from You, and yet I find myself floundering in fear so often. I talk about faith, about stepping out of the boat--

but then I see the waves.

I see the storm that just might be blowing in, and I say, "I trust You, but..."

And it doesn't matter what the rest of that sentence is, because anything that follows "but" discredits the "I trust You."

God, I want to trust You. I don't want to just say it, because I know that words don't mean anything until they are put into practice. I want to follow You unquestioningly, not just because I can see where You're leading me--or because You're leading me where I want to go.

I want to learn to be content, but it's so hard to feel like You created me to fly and still be content while I'm standing in what feels like quicksand that's pulling me down.

Please help me. Help me to chase You, so that somehow I find my dreams in the process. Help me to see that thin line between ambition and pride. Help me to fulfill Your will for my life, because it is You who knows the true desires of my heart, it is You who created me, it is Your purpose I am here in this world for, and it is only You who knows how my heart's desire fits into Your purpose.

God, help me to let go. Help me to release the death grip I have on my dreams so that I can open my hands to receive Your plans--and to give back out of Your blessings. Over and over again, You say that You are holding my right hand, but if my my hand is holding tightly to what I'm trying to do, I'll miss out on so much of what You have for me to do.

Help me to trust, because it doesn't come easily to me. Help me to give up my need for control so that I will truly give You control of my life.

Forgive my unbelief.

God, make Your desires take the place of mine. Show me this world through Your eyes so that I can start to see my place in it. Replace my heart with Yours, so that when I follow the desires of my heart, I'm actually following You.