are you alive or dead?

I didn't want to write this blog post.

Well, that's not entirely true. At first when I read the verse, I knew it needed to be a post. But when I started thinking about why it needed to be a post, I didn't want to write it anymore. It hit a little too close to home—honestly, it stepped on my toes and I just didn't want to have to admit it.

I started reading Revelation again. I've tried it before, and it's just plain hard to muddle through. There's so much stuffed in that book, and a lot of it goes over my head or seems to be just out of my grasp. There's this crazy thing that happens when you read the Scriptures, though. Even the stuff that's so dense that you just can't understand has some little nugget hidden in there that can hit you in the gut.

Can you tell I'm procrastinating? I really don't want to have to write this. I even changed what I was writing in my notebook and started writing my thoughts as a prayer instead. Because, you know, from time to time I actually get to put my thoughts into a prayer instead, and then I don't have to post them out there for everybody to see.

But even while I was writing it out as a prayer, I knew I had to write it.

When I started this blog, the whole plan was to be truthful and transparent. If I'm going to do that, it means being willing to put out the stuff that steps on my toes, too.

So, here's the verse I read:

“I know the things you do—you've claimed a reputation of life, but you are actually dead.

Wake up from your deathsleep, and strengthen what remains

of the life you have been given that is in danger of death.

I have judged your deeds as far from complete in the sight of My God.”

~Revelation 3:1b&2

Sometimes I feel like a fraud.

I write these things on the blog—words meant to encourage or to inspire or to just try to make some sense out of life—and I feel like a hypocrite.

I've spent a lot of time “waiting for my life to start.” There have been more prayers and tears than I can count that have poured out while I've tried to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. It's always focused on something that's not now, something still to come.

It's almost like I'm ignoring the life that I'm in the middle of right now, so that I can figure out some elusive dream for the future.

I don't want to do that. I don't want to waste the life I've been given. I want to leave each moment for God, not just keep looking to the future and trying to figure out what I'm going to do instead of what I'm doing now.

Whatever God's purpose for my life, I want to fulfill it. And I don't want to just be focused on the idea of doing something “big.” I want God to be able to look at my life and say that I have completed the work He has for me.

God, please wake me up from my deathsleep. Ignite Your passion in my life so that I see every moment as what You have for me to do, not just some abstract future.

God, I want to be “shamelessly committed” to You. (Revelation 3:19)