if I could just...

Just. Such a little word with such a big impact in my life.

If I could just get more done during the day...
If my kids would just do what I ask...
If I could just get my kids at school to understand that math doesn't have to be terrible...

Those are the minor "just" statements, though they aren't really minor things. The bigger ones, the ones that keep my awake at night and keep my mind jumping from one thought to another during the day, cause a lot more anxiety for me.

If I had just been able to make it through my PhD...
If I could just get my writing to take off...
If I could just make a go of this farm...
If I could just be good enough...
If I could just figure out the road I'm on...

This morning, I did day 24 of my 40-day devotional, whispers of rest, by Bonnie Gray. My 40-day journey through this book actually started about 2 months ago, so it should be over by now. Rest has been a bit elusive for me lately, though, so my 40 days have stretched out quite a bit. I don't like when that happens--I'm big on schedules and knowing the timeline for things, and if something is supposed to be 40 days, by golly, that's what it should take. God's timing isn't the same as ours, though, and I'm starting to realize that He is working through the delays.

The last line I wrote this morning as I was reflecting on today's devotional was, "I just need to follow Him, to trust Him."

That just seems like such a simple thing. In truth, I guess it is simple. The issue is, simple isn't always the same as easy. And for me, trusting and following are not easy things. I've always felt like I have to prove myself, to show that I can do things on my own. I work to show that I'm enough, that I can handle any situation life throws my way.

The problem is, I'm not enough. No matter what I do or how hard I try or what I accomplish, I'll never be enough. I can never be good enough to earn God's favor, no matter my standing in this world.

Satan has this tricky way of knowing our weaknesses and using those weaknesses to try to manipulate us. For me, that means an almost constant barrage of reminders of my failures, of all the ways that I need to be just a little bit better. He whispers in my ear, telling me all the ways that I've let people down. He points out my faults and flaws and revels in making me see those things above all else. Sometimes, the whispers get so persistent that they drown out all the other voices. To be honest, sometimes they worm their way into my thoughts deep enough that I start questioning everything I know to be true.

I know God's promises. I know He doesn't abandon His children. I know that He has me in the palm of His hand and there's nothing and no one that can pull me away from Him. Sometimes, though, I get overwhelmed by the thought that I'm not enough, that if I could just be better, I could earn God's love for me. And in those moments, I start feeling like God has disappeared. I feel like I'm miles away from God and His plan for my life, like I'm wandering around lost in the dark.

If I could take a step back and see myself from God's perspective, I can imagine what I would see: a petulant girl with her eyes squeezed shut and her hands over her ears, tripping over tiny obstacles and running into walls that wouldn't be an issue if she would just open her eyes.

"When the earth and everyone living upon it spin into chaos,

I am the One who stabilizes and supports it."

~Psalm 75:3

"...but I am charging on to gain anything and everything the Anointed One,

Jesus, has in store for me--

and nothing will stand in my way

because He has grabbed me and won't let go."

~Philippians 3:12

God doesn't condemn us, no matter what we deserve. When He looks at me, he doesn't see my failures and flaws. Instead, He sees His child. He sees me as His masterpiece, as the one He created for a specific purpose. When I feel alone, He's right there:

"But look at this: You are still holding my right hand;

You have been all along."

~Psalm 73:23

"In the roar of Your waterfalls,

ancient depths surge, calling out to the deep.

All Your waves break over me; am I drowning?

Yet in the light of day, the Eternal shows me His love.

When night settles and all is dark,

He keeps me company--

His soothing song, a prayerful melody to the True God of my life."

~Psalm 43:7 & 8

"There is a sure way for us to know that we belong to the truth.

Even though our inner thoughts may condemn us

with storms of guilt and constant reminders of our failures,

 we can know in our hearts that in His presence

God Himself is greater than any accusation.

He knows all things.

My loved ones, if our hearts cannot condemn us, 

then we can stand with confidence before God."

~1 John 3:19-21

I won't ever be enough, no matter what I do. There is no "If I could just..." statement that will ever make me enough. The amazing thing, though, is that God is more than enough. His mercy and grace cover all my flaws and failures, and when I think I'm alone in the darkness He says,

"After all, it is I, the Eternal One your God,

who has hold of your right hand, who whispers in your ear,

'Don't be afraid. I will help you.'"

~Isaiah 41:13

When I think I've been abandoned,

God is close enough to whisper.