Thursday, September 21, 2017

an unplanned post...

This wasn't the blog post I meant to write. Actually, when I started writing it, I had no intention of sharing it with anyone. A while back, after I read The Help, I started writing my prayers. You see, my mind races like crazy all the time, and I've never developed the discipline I need to be able to focus on a prayer I'm saying in my head. So instead, my answer to that is to grab a notebook and a pen.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but I'm more than just a tad bit addicted to notebooks. I have to look at them any time I go to a store with a stationery section. In this case, the notebook I was writing in was one I snagged from Nathan (he had only written on the first page...).

In any case, the post I wanted to write was called "...on being a lady," and is one that I've had written out on paper for a long time. In fact, I even typed that title in when I first opened this page to write...

But as is often the case in my life, it seems God had other plans. I kept getting the nagging feeling that I needed to pull out my prayer and share it here, with you. I have to tell you, it's not one I'm really all that comfortable putting out there (you can probably tell by how much I'm procrastinating). But if I feel like it's what I'm supposed to do, hopefully there's a reason & hopefully it will help somebody else.

So, here goes...

****
Dear God,

I'm afraid this is going to be pretty blunt, because I'm not in a very good place right now. I've always heard that bad things come in 3s, but lately it's felt like we've had bad things happening in 3 sets of 3s.

I know I'm still living a very blessed life--really, I do. I understand that I have so much to be thankful for...

But God, life is hard right now & I'm just staying on the edge of a breakdown all the time. I don't understand why so many things just keep getting piled up on top of each other.

First, let me thank You. Despite all the mess and all the chaos and all the stress, I know that You are ultimately in control. Sometimes I lose sight of that. Sometimes the storms distract me and I start focusing on them instead of seeing You. God, please help me to focus on You. Help me to remember that You say, "At the time that I choose, I will judge & do so fairly. When the earth and everyone living upon it spin into chaos, I am the One who stabilizes and supports it." (Psalm 75:2&3)

God, I know that my thoughts can't even begin to compare to Yours. I know that You, in Your ultimate wisdom, know just why everything in my life has been happening, and You know how everything is going to turn out. God, please help me to see all of this for what it is--temporary. Help me to live a life that is worthy of the gospel of Christ. In the middle of the chaos and stress, help me not to mar Your name.

I told You, though, that this would be blunt and honest, so here goes. I know the Sunday School answers. I know all the words I should be saying, how I should be acting, and what I should be doing. The problem is, right now I don't want to do any of those things. Right now I just want to ask, "Why does this keep happening? Why are all the little things just piling up like this?" I want to cry out, "Abba, why have You turned away? Why aren't You just fixing all the bad stuff?"

Like the insecure child I am, I want to know what it is that I keep doing wrong that keeps causing all these things. What am I supposed to be learning that I'm not getting? What am I supposed to be doing to fix it? Why does it feel like my world is falling apart?

But that's part of my problem, isn't it? I saw a quote one time that said, "If you think you've blown God's plan for your life, rest in this: you, my beautiful friend, are not that powerful." (Lisa Bever) When I start asking what it is I'm doing wrong, what I'm supposed to do to fix everything, maybe that's me trying to take control of Your plans for my life.

God--Abba, please...I don't even know how to pray anymore. I don't know what to ask You or what to say. I'm at the point where my words are just jumbled in my head...but more so in my heart. So Father, please hear the cries I can't utter. Please hear the words I can't form. Please take my insecurities and turn them around so that I remember that I am secure in You, no matter how much my world is shaking.

5 comments:

  1. I absolutely needed to head this. I have been feeling this way for a few weeks now and reading this brought comfort to me in a time of need. This is spot on; thank you ��

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  2. Lifting you up in prayer tonight, Mandy. Sending hugs your way.<3 Thank you for sharing your heart.

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  3. Sweet Mandy, I have been where you are, and most likely will there again. Remember that you are loved. Always. All ways. Right now. Right where you are. More than you can imagine. You do not need words to talk to God. Just stand, sit, or kneel exactly where you are, close your eyes, tilt your face towards heaven, and open your heart wide and just send all that you feel, everything, straight up to your Father - He HEARS it. He KNOWS it. He SEES YOU! He HEARS YOU! No words needed - just give it to Him. And if you do find words- use them - no matter what they are. Angry? Hurt? Depressed? Frustrated? Whatever. Give them to HIm! THey will not hurt HIm! He FEELS them too! Your angriest feeling - your hardest question - He CAN TAKE IT! He is big enough. He is strong enough. He is Love enough. Just be honest - He already KNOWS! And He loves you - not for what you say or don't say, not for what you do or don't do, not for what you think or don't think. He loves you just because you exist. He loves you because He made you. He loves you just the way you are. You don't have to say or do a thing - He LOVES YOU! No, if, ands or buts about it. Hold that in your heart. Always. Remember: "I am loved." It all begins and ends in LOVE. It's ALL about LOVE. You ARE LOVED!!! How amazing is that? How blessed are we? To be loved unconditionally by Our Father, Our God, Our Creator, The Great I AM. How lucky are we? Could we possibly be any more blessed? Any more loved?

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  4. There was a time in my life - a long time - when I felt abandoned by God. I could not feel Him near me at all. I felt no comfort at all. But now, years later, I wonder, perhaps I could not feel Him near is because He was so very close - that I did not know where I ended and He began. that He was wrapped inside the pain and suffering, the fear and questions. I will tell you, that when I came out of this - oh my, the joy - more joy than I had ever felt before. On the other side of all that pain - was joy. It's there for you too. I know it is. I hope this helps you in even the smallest way. Joy will come - so much sweeter than ever before. Just hold on.

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Thoughts? I would love to hear them!
~Mandy

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