myths of motherhood

Motherhood is a lot of things. It has good and bad, ups and downs...and no shortage of people telling you all the things that you need to know to be a good mom. If you're a mom, you've thought all of these at some point--I know I have. I'm far from perfect as a mom, and I still have a ton to learn. But as of today, we officially have 5 teenagers so I thought it would be a good time to share some of what I've learned in the past 18 years of motherhood...or rather, some of the things I've unlearned.

1. You'll fall in love with your child at first sight.

I've become a mother in two different ways, through giving birth and through adoption, and I'll be completely honest. My first reaction when my tiny daughter was placed in my arms the first time wasn't a whole lot different from when we brought the three we adopted into our home: "What in the world am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to know how to be a mom?" Yes, I'm sure there are women who fall head over heels in love with their child as soon as they lay eyes on them. I'm equally sure, though, that there are a lot out there like me, who mostly felt overwhelmed and like they were totally unprepared and unqualified to be a mom.

2. You're ruining your kids.

Okay, so this doesn't apply universally. There are definitely things mothers do that have a lasting, horrible effect on the children entrusted to them. What I'm talking about are the everyday, ordinary mistakes in parenting. I'm talking about when you don't feed your kids a balanced meal, or when you forget to bring home the supplies for the school project, or when you lose your cool and say something you shouldn't. You're never going to be perfect...and that's okay. When you mess up, you get to teach your kid what it means to apologize. You teach them to offer others grace from time to time. You teach them that people aren't perfect. You teach them that sometimes you have to just go with the flow. Most of the day to day things that happen? They aren't going to change the course of your child's life. Kids are resilient--they are probably going to be okay, despite your mess ups.

3. "Other moms" have it all figured out.

You see the social media posts: the perfectly organized pantry, making cookies with kids in a spotless kitchen, cuddling with perfectly dressed toddlers, discussing the day over a cup of coffee with a teen. Or it's the mom telling you, "If you would just...", sure they can fix whatever problem you're having. It's the kids you see in public who never seem to misbehave, or the ones who are successful in everything they do. You need to remind yourself that what you see in public is seldom what you would see if you walked into their home. You see this picture of our vacation:

...but you don't hear how many times we tried to take a decent picture, or that I had to tell my kids before our trip that a family picture was the price they had to pay for going. You don't hear about the times on the trip when the kids whined about being bored (with a pool in the backyard and the ocean just off the deck).

You see these pictures of my boys with my husband:

...but you don't hear about their arguments or when the boys have been grounded for being disrespectful.

Other parents are just like you, despite what it may look like. They struggle with figuring out the right decision. They lay awake at night wondering if they messed up their kids. They have laundry sitting in baskets, waiting to be put away. They have dirty dishes in the sink and dirty socks next to the couch. Their lives aren't perfect.

4. Moms don't have favorites.

Okay, so on the off chance that any of my kids are reading this--it's not like I have one favorite kid. I do, however, have favorites for different things at different times. And like my dad said one time, "My favorite is the one who is doing what they are supposed to do at the time." Every kid brings their own challenges and their own wonderful things. If you have one kid who is your favorite to watch in sports, or one kid who you would choose to just veg out on the couch and watch a movie with, or one you would pick to take to get coffee? All those things are normal and okay. What's more, there will be times in one child's life when you can hardly stand to look at them and others when they are the person you would pick to hang out with all day. You're human, they're human.

5. Your children complete you.

We have so many voices right now telling us that the highest calling any woman has is to be a mom. Don't get me wrong, being the mom of my 5 kids is definitely one of the greatest things God has called me to. But that isn't the highest calling of my life. The highest calling of my life is the same as it is for any child of God--to know Him and to make Him known. It is only God who can complete any of us, and having just Him is enough. Like Micah 6:8 says,

"He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
    And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
    and to walk humbly with your God."

Second to that, and something controversial for some reason, is my calling to be a wife to my husband. There's a reason we're told "the two shall become one flesh" (in Genesis 2). I lose sight of that sometimes, I'll admit. It's easy in this busy season of life to let everything revolve around my kids and make them my focus, but that's not how things are supposed to be.

6. Good moms have it all together.

This kind of goes along with #3, but you don't have to have everything perfect to be a good mom. God chose you to be mom to your kids for a reason. He knew all your flaws, knew you would mess up regularly, but He still chose you. You can have piles of dirty laundry and still be a good mom. You can lose your mind when your kids have 27 dirty towels in their bedrooms (yes, this actually happened) and tell them you're done washing their clothes, and you can still be a good mom (my kids all do their own laundry now, which, I must say, is amazing!). You can bring home pizza instead of cooking a healthy meal and still be a good mom. I can just about promise you, the mom who comes to mind when you think of what a good mom looks like--the one you compare yourself to? She doesn't have it all together. She probably thinks she's messing things up.

7. There's one right way to be a mom.

I know a lot of amazing moms, some who have already raised their kids and some who are in the thick of it. I bet I could ask all of them for advice and get a different answer from just about each one. And let me tell you, I'm glad there's no single right way to be a mom because I don't imagine that I would meet the requirements. I'm not a lovey person. I don't much care for physical contact, as pretty much anyone I'm close to can tell you. In fact, one of the ways my kids choose to tease me is to sit as close to me as humanly possible because they enjoy watching me squirm. I'm not a hair & makeup type. I'm not really one for decorating, so Christmas at our house isn't a winter wonderland. I would rather work at the barn than in the house. I work outside the home. I very rarely bake cookies. I've never been the "room mom" at school.

But you know what?

My kids love me anyway.