Tuesday, April 16, 2013

meant for more

Yesterday was one of those days.

You know, one that had me questioning what I'm doing trying to survive in this insanely rational and analytical world of physics...
a world so different from any I would have ever pictured myself in...
a world light-years away from where I thought I would be...
and most of all, a world not really conducive to this dream of writing that still tugs at my heart on a daily basis.

It started when I sat down to write out my Quantum homework problems--and didn't get any further than copying them out of the book because then I just stared at them with no idea how to get started.

It went on with Electrodynamics and talk of dielectrics and electric fields, and how when you are trying to find the electric field you need epsilon to be the same in both regions, but the permittivity of a dielectric is definitely not the same as the permittivity of empty space but that's okay because we can simply "imagine" the substitution of a new dielectric material with the same epsilon and stick it in place of the old material and place an image charge that isn't really there across from the point charge in the region in which we are interested and do all the calculations as if this imaginary charge is really there...and if you're lost right now, you know how I felt!

The one saving grace on the physics side of things was that for once I actually understood what Dr. Gao was talking about in Quantum when he went over the periodic table and electronic configuration of elements and how to figure out how many states correspond to their ground state energy level...yes, sometimes I do realize that I'm a nerd.

I was going to get away from everything for a while and write, but when I tried to get a hold of Nathan to let him know so he wouldn't worry when I didn't come home he didn't have his phone, so needless to say that by the time I walked in the door at home and Conan spotted me, mommy wasn't going to get to leave.

By that time, I was overwhelmed with everything and just couldn't really do anything about any of it.

Nathan was amazing and did everything in his power to make the night easy for me. He took care of the kids and then watched Castle and The Voice with me and rubbed my feet and made me a cup of coffee and just basically let me have a weepy girl kind of night.

But sometimes you get lost so deep in your own head that it doesn't really matter what anybody else does to get you out of the funk--you're just stuck.

I fell asleep on the couch around 11, but didn't actually go to bed until about 12:30 because Nathan was watching DS9 (Star Trek: Deep Space 9 for all you non-Trekkies out there) and I had told him I would stay up with him...even though by "stay up" I obviously meant "stay in the same room but sleep."

Before I fell asleep, the last thing I remember thinking was a prayer: "God, I need some time in the morning to focus on You before I get caught up in the craziness of the day. Please help me wake up early in the morning." Well, to be honest it was probably more like, "God, today-bad, tomorrow-need better. Wake me up," but I didn't think that sounded very eloquent so I decided not to tell that part.

Well, apparently God listened even to my unintelligible prayer. I woke up first at 5, then again at 5:15 and at 5:30 and again just before 6. See, God even gave me a snooze button pattern! I got up and read the short devotional from church and rode the exercise bike for a little while and then got in the shower. That's where a lot of my blog posts are started, and this one was no different.

I started writing it in my head, thinking about all the posts I've read about "God-sized dreams" and how yesterday felt as far from the dream as it could be. I was figuring out how I would say that sometimes you feel like you're stuck in a life-season you weren't meant for, that it's hard to look ahead to the time when you'll be in the place you were meant to be. Sometimes you look around and think, "I was meant for so much more than this."

And then a thought hit me (I've told you before that apparently I'm a 2x4 kind of girl when it comes to life lessons). Where I am right now and what I think I am or am not meant for isn't what matters. What matters is the One I am meant for, the One who is more than I could ever imagine or want or need, the One who will use me wherever I am for what I was truly meant for if I just get out of His way. No matter what I may think my "God-sized dream" is, it will be meaningless if I chase after it for the wrong reasons, for me instead of for Him.

So today, I'm going to try to get out of the way. I'm going to try to start focusing on Him and His plan instead of reminding Him all the time about what I think His plan should be. Yes, I'll still chase dreams, but I'm going to try to remember that He is the reason for those dreams instead of getting caught up in what I want out of them.


  1. The way through the analytical world of physics is like building large devices with smaller module pieces. One needs to care to get down to every small step to be familiarized with those pieces in every angle, and then move on to the larger picture. This way we miraculously master things, sometimes beyond our own expectation.

    I can't resist but mumble on the image charge method... In the last class it was built on the well understanding of the one with a grounded flat surface. And the number of charges was doubled. Yes we are making wild guesses but in essence we see the region we are not interested in as an extension of the part of our interest. So it retains the characteristics of the latter region.

  2. Terence, your understanding of all these things we're talking about amazes me all the time! You seem to have an intuitive view of physics which I envy and greatly admire.


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