life. faithful.

"Before time itself was measured, the Voice was speaking. The Voice was and is God. This celestial Word remained ever present with the Creator; His speech shaped the entire cosmos. Immersed in the practice of creating, all things that exist were birthed in Him. His breath filled all things with a living, breathing light-- A light that thrives in the depths of darkness, blazes through murky bottoms. It cannot and will not be quenched." ~John 1: 1-5 Unbelievable, indescribable power is displayed in God speaking all of creation into existence. This power, above and outside of everything we can imagine, simply had to breathe for life to begin teeming across the surface of the earth. Besides that, this Voice whispered the cosmos into being. Think about that for a second. Taking a line from Star Trek (because I'm a nerd): "Space: the final frontier..." I'm not sure what the purpose of my physics degrees is or will be, but I'm tha...

That question is in my head on a daily basis, roaring out over all the noise and chaos that fills my mind. It colors everything I think about--every decision I make. For years now, I've been desperately seeking God's will for my life. I've begged and cried and prayed for some answer, for just a hint of what it is that God wants me to do for Him. I've made decisions based on what I thought would work best for serving Him...and then felt broken when those decisions led to plans that fell through. I've wondered just what it is that I'll do for God since I was old enough to ask that question. I want to know His plans for my life, because I know and fully believe that God sees what is in my future and is there to guide my steps. I have this tendency, though (well, bad habit if I'm being honest) to rely on my own thoughts and opinions and ideas instead of letting go and listening to God. Don't get me wrong--I know that His plans are better than mine and t...

I've spent most of my life determined to prove myself. I can't tell you when that started, but my mom has told me many times that "I can do it myself!" was a very common thing to hear me say when I was little. That hasn't changed much in the 33 years I've had on this earth. Sometimes, that mantra is a good thing. Sometimes, my stubborn determination is what keeps me pushing through when times get hard. It's what got my backhandspring when I was doing gymnastics when I was little. It's what got my best friend and I to grit our teeth and push through basing an extension in cheerleading when we were told it was too hard for us. It's what got me through the initial shock of my brother's death. It's what got me through homework assignments that made my crazy and 2 physics degrees I never imagined getting. The problem is, faith in my own abilities won't get me very far. Because, you see, knowing my strengths also gives me a really good...

"Despite what you may think, these ruling spirits are losing their grip on this world." 1 Corinthians 2:6b, The Voice When you look around at this world, it's easy to see the bad. After all, that's what everyone is pointing out to us. The news is full of stories of evil and heartbreak. We see people hurting all around the world, often watching their loved ones get ripped away from them. There are threats of war, terrorist attacks, attacks on every value and ideal that used to be held dear. And then there are the personal attacks, the bad things happening in our own lives that may not be evident to those on the outside. There are marriage issues, financial troubles, illnesses, and decisions that are simply the lesser of two evils. Here on the new farm, there is sickness and injury and death and heartbreak right now. We are in a bit of a tricky situation, where we need the farm to succeed in order for us to afford to be home on the farm, but we need to b...

Once upon a time, there was a school. This school, like so many like it, was held in high regard in the community. When parents sent their children to this school, they had high expectations. After all, getting an education was a great privilege. And as is said, with great privilege comes great responsibility...and in the case of this school, even greater expectations. When a student went to this school, he expected to work. His parents had often told him that nothing worth having came easy, so he didn't expect his education to come easily, either. He expected to learn reading, writing, and arithmetic, but he didn't expect to do so without a lot of hard work. He expected long nights of studying and homework, time spent learning to do what he had to do instead of just doing what he wanted to do. He expected to compete with his peers for the top grades in the class--after all, competition is how you get better. He expected his teachers to be strict and to to be tough, but hi...

At church, we've been working on a chronological reading of the Bible. I was supposed to be a 1-year journey, but...we've been working on it for quite a while now. If I'm remembering right, we're heading into our third year. So anyways, we've made our way up to the resurrection. In Luke 24, we're told that the women went to the tomb and found it empty. When they ran back to tell the eleven that Jesus's body wasn't in the tomb, the disciples didn't believe them. But Peter...he ran to the tomb. A lot can be said about Peter (I've said quite a bit myself, including in my devotional --I think I identify with him more than I might want to admit). In this moment, I can only imagine what was going through Peter's head. Go back a couple days, and you find Peter standing his ground next to Jesus, ready to die by the sword for Him if necessary. He drew his sword--then Peter watched Jesus reattach a man's ear, and he followed the crowd to Ciaph...

God, this world--our country--is a mess. We look around and can't help but see the bad. Hate-filled words are thrown out. I wish I could say it is done without thought, but it isn't. Those words, filled with venom, are spit out with the sole purpose of hurting people, creating wounds that cut all the way to the heart. Natural disasters wipe out years of hard work, leaving people homeless--but more devastatingly, hopeless. Wicked men kill innocents, and while so many lives are snuffed out in the blink of an eye, countless other lives are turned inside-out and upside down. Right is called wrong, and people try to justify evil. Things are falling apart all around us. Dreams are shattered, families are broken, hopes are lost...the future seems to be fading right before our eyes. Father, please pull us--Your children--close to You. Let us feel Your arms around us so that we are reminded of You in the middle of the mess. Let us see Your strength, even as we're remi...

Sunday, my parents celebrated 40 years of marriage. That alone is incredible, especially in this age of temporary marriages. What was more incredible to me, though, was how the day went... My parents are servants--they always have been. I can't remember a time in my life when they weren't pouring themselves out for other people. And even on their big day, that didn't change. Mom loves to cook for people, so she prepared a feast for everyone there. She was in her element, making sure everybody had a full plate, full cup, and a full belly. Pop's service looks different, but it was evident Sunday, too. Above everything else, my parents were both focused on making sure everyone there Sunday left with a full heart. Love overflows from them, and you can't help but see it. Their love for each other is unconditional (though that doesn't mean they don't have their arguments...), and that love spills out onto anyone they come into contact with. Their home that da...

What does God want from us? How much does He expect us to do? What does it take to appease Him, to fulfill all His requirements? What are we supposed to do for Him? In this world, we are used to our worth being tied to our actions. Merit determines reward, as it so often should. I struggle with that myself--if I can't "earn my keep," so to speak, I feel like I'm not good enough. Enough. That's what it comes down to for me. In so many areas of my life, I feel like I'm not doing enough. When I look at my house and see the laundry left unfolded and the dishes still in the sink and the clutter covering tables...When I watch goats die and can't do enough to save them...When I see a kid who seems to be slipping through the cracks at school, and I wonder if I've done enough to help them...When I look back at my time in graduate school and wonder if I tried hard enough to make it work... Did I do enough? Am I doing enough now? What am I supposed t...

" Now a man named Lazarus was sick. He was from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. (This Mary, whose brother Lazarus now lay sick, was the same one who poured perfume on the Lord and wiped his feet with her hair.) So the sisters sent word to Jesus, “Lord, the one You love is sick.” When He heard this, Jesus said, 'This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.' Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So when He heard that Lazarus was sick, He stayed where He was two more days, and then He said to His disciples, 'Let us go back to Judea.'" (Matthew 11: 1-7) When Jesus heard that Lazarus was dying, according to our logic He should have immediately gone to heal him. After all, Jesus loved Lazarus, Mary, & Martha. If you love somebody, you want what's best for them. And of course, obviously what was best for Lazarus was to be healed...right? Or at le...

This wasn't the blog post I meant to write. Actually, when I started writing it, I had no intention of sharing it with anyone. A while back, after I read The Help , I started writing my prayers. You see, my mind races like crazy all the time, and I've never developed the discipline I need to be able to focus on a prayer I'm saying in my head. So instead, my answer to that is to grab a notebook and a pen. I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but I'm more than just a tad bit addicted to notebooks. I have to look at them any time I go to a store with a stationery section. In this case, the notebook I was writing in was one I snagged from Nathan (he had only written on the first page...). In any case, the post I wanted to write was called "...on being a lady," and is one that I've had written out on paper for a long time. In fact, I even typed that title in when I first opened this page to write... But as is often the case in my life, it seem...

You taught me to be strong when others see me as weak. You told me I could do anything i f I set my heart on it. You showed me how to stand when those around me crumble. You encouraged me to follow my dreams even though it may be hard. You pushed me to do my best even if it's not acknowledged. You led me down the narrow road though it is never popular. You listened to me when no one else would. You comforted me when no one else could. You were my teacher, my confidant, my example, my encourager, my leader. Because of you, I know how to keep going. For my brother. Love, Mandy Jean Kilbourn

"Before time itself was measured, the Voice was speaking..." ~John 1:1 Jesus was with the Father at the beginning of time. As the Voice translation puts it, "His speech shaped the entire cosmos." (v. 3) He is so powerful that it merely took His breath to give us life. Yet, He chose to leave the throneroom of Heaven, to step away from His seat at the right hand of God. He chose to put aside His glory and to humble Himself, to take on flesh and live alongside us, because He saw us. He saw us in all our human imperfection. As David said, "For He knows what we are made of; He knows our frame is frail, and He remembers we came from dust." And I think that just like when He looked out over Jerusalem, Jesus was overwhelmed with love for us. And in His love, He wanted more for us. In John 15:11, Jesus said, "I want you to know the delight I experience, to find ultimate satisfaction..." I've written before about how amazing it is ...

"JESUS: Who do people say the Son of Man is? DISCIPLES: Some say John the Baptist. And some say Elijah. And some say Jeremiah or one of the other prophets. JESUS: And you? Who do you say I am? PETER: You are the Anointed One. You are the Son of the Living God." ~Matthew 16:13-16 There are all sorts of ideas about who Jesus is. Some people just call Him a good teacher (see this post for my thoughts on that). Some, including Muslims, say He was a prophet sent by God to show us how to live. In some churches today, He's basically said to be some sort of genie who grants wishes (except they call them "answered prayers"). Even the demons recognized Him as the Son of God. It doesn't matter who everyone else says that Jesus is. Being able to repeat what others say doesn't mean anything about your relationship with Him, and that's what He wants. What He cares about, what He's asking, is, "What about you? Who do you say that I am?"...

Just. Such a little word with such a big impact in my life. If I could just get more done during the day... If my kids would just do what I ask... If I could just get my kids at school to understand that math doesn't have to be terrible... Those are the minor "just" statements, though they aren't really minor things. The bigger ones, the ones that keep my awake at night and keep my mind jumping from one thought to another during the day, cause a lot more anxiety for me. If I had just been able to make it through my PhD... If I could just get my writing to take off... If I could just make a go of this farm... If I could just be good enough... If I could just figure out the road I'm on... This morning, I did day 24 of my 40-day devotional, whispers of rest, by Bonnie Gray. My 40-day journey through this book actually started about 2 months ago, so it should be over by now. Rest has been a bit elusive for me lately, though, so my 40 days ha...

We talk all the time about bearing fruit. The Fruit of the Spirit is well known (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, & self-control), and we spend a lot of time talking about how followers of Christ are to be known by their fruit. I think, though, that we forget what it takes to bear fruit. In John 15:2, Jesus was talking about His Father and said, "He leaves those bearing fruit and carefully prunes them so they will bear more fruit." Prune. It's such a small word, but it holds so much significance. At first it might bring to mind a picture of somebody snipping back one or two leaves here and there, maybe taking an ugly leaf or a dead branch. But here's the thing: when you prune something back for producing fruit, you typically take a lot off. Since Jesus used the picture of a vineyard, we might as well look at that, too. When someone is trying to get a good crop of grapes, they cut back all the pretty stuff. The vines...

We had a wonderful time Friday, with our family over for bbq chicken and just a general get-together. That's one of the things I've most been looking forward to with our move to this new place. In the past, we've either been too far away or in too small a place to have everybody over, so it's a blessing to be able to invite our family out and actually have room for everybody. All weekend, though, something was off. I couldn't quite put my finger on it; I was spending time with my family, watching my kids play with baby cousins and baby ducks. We were laughing and chatting and making plans to build a big deck on the front of the house. We have been relaxing in the beauty of the Ozarks--wandering by the creek, looking at the hills, and seeing the lightning bugs. It wasn't until last night that I realized what it was--I was missing my brother. It crossed my mind for a fleeting moment Friday, while I was getting food ready for everybody. I was walking thr...