life. faithful.

this weekend, i had a bit of a meltdown. yes, there were tears. no, nothing major happened. i just let the stress of everything that isn't happening overwhelm me. ever had one of those moments? there really isn't anything major and life changing happening in my life right now. on the flip side of that, though, there are a lot of major, life changing things not happening right now. for somebody like me, that's worse. if something happens, no matter how bad, there's something for me to do , something i have to deal with. when the issue is things that aren't happening, there's nothing i can do except wait . i'm not very good at waiting. i really don't like doing it. so, while i struggle with waiting, i've found a verse to cling to. maybe it's one you can claim, too. "i wait on the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word i put my hope." ~psalm 130:5 

inadequate. not good enough. doesn't measure up. i used to compare myself to other people a lot. i would look at other girls and think they were prettier or smarter or better at gymnastics or more organized or more fashionable or... you get the point. i was an insecure teenage girl (or a typical teenage girl, whichever way you want to look at it). eventually, i grew up. i would love to say that i never notice that stuff anymore (well, the gymnastics thing definitely isn't an issue anymore), but i do--sometimes. for the most part, though, those things don't bother me very much. instead, i've replaced comparing myself to others so much with comparing myself to myself. or, to be more accurate, an idealized version of me. i've created this version of myself in my head that is the "perfect" me. she doesn't loose her temper with her kids she doesn't nag her husband she gets through to every student that comes through her classroom...

what in the world do i want to do with my life? that's a question i thought had been answered already, but now i don't know . so far, nothing has worked out the way i thought it would. i know God is in control of my life, that He has everything mapped out and knows exactly what i'm going to do.  i know He has plans for me that i could never imagine. i know that i'm not in control (gasp!), nor do i need to be. the thing is, i really wish He would give me a glimpse of the road ahead! this is a constant struggle for me, and it's getting really hard again right now, this not knowing.   i've had opportunities come along that i've been certain were God's doing. it isn't that i don't think that now--i still do--it's just that i wish i could see the purpose behind them. obviously, it wasn't what i thought it was at the time. everything is kind of starting to pile up right now. there are big decisions that have to be made soon, ...

authenticity. that's my goal with this blog, because i feel like without being authentic i'm not being faithful to what God has told me to do. so, i'm going to just be me when i write and not worry about anything else. the problem is, to be authentic you have to know who you are. there are many different ways to describe me, and i imagine that if i asked everyone i know who they think i am, you would get a bunch of different answers. i'm a... wife mommy list maker daughter sister friend dreamer teacher physicist (eek! it still doesn't feel quite right to say that...) writer listener farmer's daughter preacher's kid procrastinator. i'm also... impatient disorganized messy emotional intelligent insecure forgetful. i'm sure those lists could go on and on, and i'm sure those who know me would come up with other titles or words to describe me. but who am i? it's all well ...

check out 1 john 4:7-11 all the examples ( here and here ) i've given of love being shown in my life have come from one thing-- God loves me. isn't that an amazing thing? the God of the Universe loves me. i am a sinner, saved by grace. God pours out His love, totally undeserved on my part. it doesn't matter what i've done or what i haven't done. He doesn't care that i've messed up. He loves me anyways, enough to choose me, to adopt me, to save me.   His love is a gift, sent to us in the form of a baby who grew up to be crucified. as a gift, it has been freely given. i can't do anything good enough to earn it, and i can't do anything bad enough that He's going to take it back.   and guess what? i was created to love Him. you know what's an even more awesome thing to me? God is love. so, you know that description of love paul gave us in 1 corinthians 13? that description we always point out to other people--after...

(part 2 of the valentine's week posts on love) for valentine's day, it seems like there's one group that tends to get ignored--family. so today i want to embarrass some people (probably) and talk about the amazing blessings i have in that department.     first, you have these two: my babies have shown me so much about love that i never knew before. like how amazing and terrifying it is to have a little bundle placed in your arms and know-- without a doubt --that you would give your last breath for that little person you don't even know, not really or how incredible it is to hear "i wuv you," unprompted, for the first time or how flattering and frustrating it is to be the only one your little boy wants, especially when you have a pile of papers to grade and a house that needs to be cleaned and a million other things to do-- and a little boy who wants you or how you can be scared to death and thrilled at the same time when you see how indepe...

in my life, i have been blessed more times than i can even start to count. i have people in my life who love me way more than i would ever deserve, so for this week when everybody's mind is wrapped up in valentine's day i'm going to share a little bit of how i have been blessed. first, since today is valentine's day, is my husband. this guy :0) we probably met in kindergarten, but we started dating right after high school graduation. we got married at the ripe ol' age of 19 (just babies, i know!) and have been married for 8 years, 1 month, and 11 days (hey, it's valentine's day--i'm supposed to be a little sappy...) he's the only guy i've ever said, "i love you" to. we've been through a lot in 8 years. he's been right beside me when my world has been turned upside down multiple times. he's seen me at my best and at my worst, and he loves me anyways. when we were engaged, planning a may wedding, ...

"love never gives up.  love cares more for others than for self.  love doesn't want what it doesn't have.  love doesn't strut,  doesn't have a swelled head,   doesn't force itself on others,  isn't always 'me first,'  doesn't fly off the handle,  doesn't keep score of the sins of others,   doesn't revel when others grovel,  takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,   puts up with anything,  trusts God always,  always looks for the best,  never looks back,  but keeps going to the end.   love never dies." (1 Corinthians 13:3-8a, The Message) there you go--i just answered the ultimate question, right? well, besides "what is the meaning of life?" but i guess i can tackle that one next week... ha! if only it were that simple. at the same time, though, it is simple.  simply stated, anyways. the problem is, simple to understand doesn't mean the same thing as easy to do. ...

so, it's time to write a post i really didn't want to put out here. i read  this post this morning by Ann Voskamp. i started writing right after i read it, but what i was writing was my prayer. (as an aside, writing my prayers is something i used to do all the time during those crazy teenage years. i've recently come back to it after reading "the help," a great book i got from my sister for Christmas. thanks, sarah beth!) since it was my prayer, i had no intention of anybody else reading it. it was to be safely tucked away in my 3-ring binder, there for only me and God to read. the problem is, that wasn't His idea. that's actually how my first post started out, too. well, it was written in an online journal called penzu instead of on paper, but it was still the same idea-- nobody but me and God would ever know it existed. ha! funny how my plans so seldom seem to mesh with His... so, all the delays put aside now, Ann wrote a post about an...

  (not my desk, but i can assure you...mine would be pretty similar!) ever had one of those days? you know the ones--everything is piling up, both literally and figuratively. the kids and the husband are all begging for attention--with good reason. papers are waiting to be graded (it really isn't a good idea to give every class a test at the same time, but for some reason i keep doing it. what's that definition of insanity again? "doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results." but i digress...) laundry is overflowing...especially easy to do when the washer isn't working and you live *waayyy* far away from a laundromat... kids toys are all over the house. there are words begging to be written, ideas drowning out all the sane voices in my head... i'm in the middle of one of those days right now. to be more honest, i would have to say i'm in the middle of one of those years right now (yes, i know it...

so, there's this girl i took some of my upper level physics classes with while i was finishing up my undergrad studies. she's finishing her undergrad right now and is looking at grad school for the fall, getting acceptance letters and faced with making the decision of where to go. i'm incredibly happy for her, don't get me wrong. she worked really hard and definitely deserves to be choosing where to go to do her graduate work. the thing is, at the same time i'm reminded of where i was a year ago--and how much differently my life is right now than i had planned on it being. hmm. ouch. i finished my undergrad with a pretty good GPA. not the best it could've been, but then again i was a non-traditional student, married, with two under 4 at home. my overall GRE score was pretty good--the math side was about average, but the verbal was way up there. i had good recommendation letters (i think--never actually saw them or anything, but i'm pretty sure the ...

i started a reading plan on a website called YouVersion (note the link on the side of the page). it is by Joyce Meyer, which i'm really excited about. my plan, of course, was to read it everyday. what has happened, though, is a bit different. i read thursday's, the 27th, the first day of the plan...                           ...and then i stopped. i can give excuses--i was sick for the last 4 days, i had a sick husband and sick kids--but exactly how much energy does it take to get online? (especially when you are like us and your tv and computer are one in the same...) the thing is, i don't think i really have an excuse.  i just didn't do it. the funny thing (my mom would call it a "God thing") is, when i started it up again this morning, planning on catching up really quick because each day has a short verse and then something Joyce Meyer wrote, i...